i'm really struggling and need some support from you guys, if you have a second to leave me a comment i would really appreciate it. love you.

My therapist, Dr. Buttrum passed away about a month ago. I just found out Saturday. I am absolutely devastated. He had brain cancer and was doing better for awhile but i guess it came back. The sad thing is i haven't felt the need to see him in months (other then a few emails in this time) but now more then ever i wish i could talk to him. I never got a chance to thank him for all of his help over the past four years. He was an amazing person and therapist. I wish i had of called or emailed him to see how he was doing, i feel terrible. i also wish i had of found out earlier so i could have attended the service, i feel like i have no closure. I break down crying everyday for no reason. I miss him so much. Although this is so hard and painful right now i am glad he was a part of my life and able to help me as much as he did in my recovery. I will never forget him.

http://shameandfortune.blogspot.com/


i'll probably be doing more of my mindless rambling on this rather then lj. if any of you have blogspot please "follow" my blog. xo

This is a question I'm really beginning to grapple with: after so many years of anorexia, what do I do now?

The more important version of that question is: what do I want more than the eating disorder?

When I was ill, I couldn't imagine not being in the thrall of the eating disorder. It was simply impossible. Either I didn't realize I was ill, or I frankly liked being that way, or I found that being anorexic was preferable to not being anorexic. Don't get me wrong- anorexia was and is hell, but it also numbed the incredible and unmanageable anxiety that I had, and allowed me to push through the depression with the hopes that by tomorrow, I would have lost weight. It gave me a feeling of okay-ness that I had never felt before.

And it destroyed my life.

I realize that you will never be able to reconcile an eating disorder with life- an eating disorder is the fast track to death and disability. Life is so much more. The shitty stuff, yes, absolutely: the traffic jams, the stubbed toes, the paper cuts on knuckles (as I type with a Band-Aid on my ring finger), the losses and grief, the bankruptcy and foreclosures. I don't want this part. I really don't. I feel cheated, often, that life in recovery isn't great. I'm still fatigued, I still have trouble sleeping, I still have wild theories for self improvement that border on the self-destructive.

Some people say that recovery could otherwise be defined as "hope" or "life" or other warm fuzzy feeling. I like to think of recovery as "possibilities," all the things that are within your grasp now that you're not clinging to Ed.

And so on days like today, when the anorexia is screeching in my ear that I'm fat and dumb and worthless and oh, yes, fat, I have to ask myself: what do I want more than ED? What is worth more to me than the eating disorder?

I don't know that I have all the answers to that. I know that what can get me through the next five minutes, the next meal, is a promise I made to my kitty never to leave her again. Or my desire to travel. Or write another book.

I might not always embrace recovery with an effusion of enthusiasm, nor do I have to. Right now, I just need to hang on to the fact that there are better things in life than an eating disorder.

Cotton Spandex Bandeau Pencil Dress (in white) - $44


Shiny Stirup Tights - $16

Fine Jersey Tee-Dress (in  black) - $17 off ebay

i neeeeed a vintage leather belt and slouch boots to go with that last dress, but i'm gonna check out the thrift stores before i buy anything else on my poor maxed out visa. RIP.

Today, i learned the proper pronunciation of minestrone.

I've always called in mine-strone. Like a mine... and a stone... with an r. mine-strone. 

Hahahahahahahahaha. 

cigarettes & wine, i love you more then you'll ever know.

wow, i wish more then anything i was sober enough to put together coherent sentences but alas, i shall try. i have to work 9-5 tomorrow so i really should be trying to get some sleep but i'm in the mood to be social ughhh. this=gayyyy. tomorrow better be a slop show cause i'm not working sunday or monday so i have plenty of time to recover haha. it's my mumma's birthday tomorrow, we are having a big bbq dinner for her, fillet men-yah (that's how you say it sorry i'm a horrible speller) and the like.

i talked all tonight to my boyfriends mom about her teenage years when she experimented with angel dust/acid it was fuckeddddd. that's one drug i don't think i will ever try. i mean, it's not as prevalent as it was in the 70s-80s but stillllll. i'm not a fan of hallucinogenic drugs, i feel to out of control. The one time i did a little bit of mushrooms was okay... i remember just laying awake looking at the carpet. it looked like the tide of the ocean going in and out, i watched it for what seemed like forever, it was very relaxing.

ty and i still smoke quite a bit of pot but thats it really.. i just do it to relalx. i don't encourage or condone anyone else from doing it. if you enjoy it, all the more power to you, but if you don't i can understand, it's not everyone's cup of tea - and i too have had my bad experiences with it (i.e fainting TWICE when getting to stoned - once while having sex, once while at the bridge with about 8 people... slightly embarassing).

i really wish i could afford a paid account, someone fucking buy me one.
no seriously.




also, i gained a bit of weight and as i expected i freaked the fuck out and now am dropping it again, cooooooool. does this not fucking suck? like seriously... i hate my body no matter what weight i am at, its awful, i just wish i could accept myself at a healthy weight and move the fuck on with my life.....

I miss my boy. He's gone until Tuesday & it seems like everyone of my other friends are gone too ughh fuck my life. I really do miss him though. I promised myself i would be good and lay low... i want him to be able to trust me and feel that i respect him because i have done alot of things in the past that have embarassed him/myself and made him look badly. All of these things have been while intoxicated i might add. I really want to cut back on my drinking, i love how i say this while having a glass of red wine. EPIC FAIL haha. no i definitely could never be RAWRRR STRAIGHTEDGEEE!!!!111eleventyone, but i want to be more in control from now on. i'm a very LOUD and OPINIONATED person to begin with and when you get any ammount of alcohol in me all hell breaks loose. i'm very defensive and stubborn and won't take shit from anyone - which usually is a good thing but more often then not gets me into trouble. i'm just lucky that this has rarely happened with girls because at 102lbs i dont think i would be doing much physical harm... although i did throw a beer can at that girls head hahaha, then she called me to hang out the next day i'm pretty much the only person who could ever pull that one off.

Believe it or not i'm trying to gain a little weight right now.. I want to get back up to around 105lbs for now and see how i feel there, Ty has always said he likes me at a higher weight, he finds curvy girls sexy (as do i for the record) so i've been eating like no tomorrow but my metabolism isn't having it, i've had the WORST night sweats of my life, even worse then when i had my NG tube feed at night. Who knows how long this desire for weight gain will last though.. i have a feeling i'll see the numbers go up slightly on the scale, freak out and drop the weight again. But in all honestly i don't think i'll ever be happy with my body, i'm not now, i wasn't at 79lbs... so why not be at a slightly higher weight and not worry so much about what i eat and just enjoy life, now gimme some fucken cheetos hahaha i kid because i love. 

I'm not ready to start school again.. i know i've been off since April but it feels like i've done shit all pretty much the entire sumer. this has been a shitty summer too, so much rain and it was barely even friggin warm! anywayssssss, i'm going to go stuff my face some more, i love all you bitches.